Absolution
by keita52
Summary: If Shepard's going to make things work with Kaidan, they need to be on the same page. Especially when it comes to her relationship with Thane.


"I understand why you cheated, but I still love you, Shepard."

Lyra Shepard felt her stomach twisting into knots at that statement. _Cheated._ She had known that there were aspects of their relationship, their history, that they weren't agreeing on. That was part of why she had wanted to come and talk to Kaidan today. They needed to clear the air and get on the same page.

 _Cheating_ was a much bigger obstacle to overcome than she'd been expecting. Except that she felt like a part of her _had_ been expecting it, had known that Kaidan would view what happened with Thane that way.

(And thinking about Thane still hurt, and made her question whether this whole course of action was the best thing for her to be doing right now.)

Shepard could tell that Kaidan was just going to keep talking, unless she stopped him, and she needed to stop him before things went too far, before the only choices were commit to something she wasn't sure of —

Or break his heart, and ruin things between them forever.

"Kaidan," she interjected, leaning forward on the table and looking at him intently. Under different circumstances she'd have hated the waver in her voice, but Kaidan needed to hear it, needed to understand that he was hearing and seeing her real emotions. "Stop. Just … before you say anything else, I need …"

If she said _I need time,_ he was going to say that he'd already _given_ her time, and that would too easily lead to sniping, and …

But he didn't look angry, or impatient. His eyes were filled with concern, and it helped bolster her resolve to work through this tangle.

She took a deep breath. "After Horizon, Kaidan, I … I thought we were done. Especially after I read your message. It seemed like you, you didn't want to have anything to do with me." She didn't try to hide the self-loathing that came through in her next words. "I admit to handling it badly myself. I should have tried harder to get a message to you. I should have …" Done anything except what she did, but she couldn't say that. She wasn't going to grovel.

"You thought that was me breaking up with you," Kaidan said quietly. "Shepard, I never stopped loving you, never stopped wanting to be with you."

 _You had a hell of a way of showing it_. Shepard kept those words, that sentiment locked tightly inside her. It would undo all of the careful progress she had made so far. "Kaidan. I never stopped loving _you_. If you had said …" _No. No accusations._ "If things had gone differently … on Horizon … afterwards …" Still sounding too much like an accusation. She sighed. "I get your reasons, okay? I get why you were skeptical, why you were hurt."

"Shepard." Kaidan reached across the table and took her hands. She hadn't been expecting that. She looked into his eyes and felt her carefully-constructed barriers cracking. "Stop, okay? Just stop trying to pretend that I wasn't a jerk."

"Kaidan, no —"

"Shepard," he said again, his voice firmer. "I doubted you. Like you said, I had my reasons, but that doesn't change what happened." He squeezed her hands. "God, I don't know how I didn't see that before. _You_ didn't see it as cheating."

Some of the tension Shepard had been carrying for hours — days — _months —_ finally started to drain out of her. Her shoulders slumped and her head rolled forward.

"I'm sorry," Kaidan said. "Shepard, I'm so sorry. I have read this _whole_ thing wrong." He stood up, shaking his head. "I'm — I should go."

"Hey." Shepard stood and reached out to catch his arm. She had the sudden feeling that if she allowed him to walk away now, any shot that she had at getting back what they'd had two years ago would be gone. "That's my line."

Kaidan looked at her for a long moment. Then, nearly simultaneously, they burst out laughing. Shepard lowered herself back down into her seat, partially to steady herself, partially in the hopes that Kaidan would follow suit. It was a relief when he did.

"So, I — I wanna know about him," Kaidan said, when they'd both gotten themselves under control. "Thane, that is."

Shepard made herself meet his gaze. "Why?" she asked gently.

"Because he meant — _means_ something to you." Kaidan leaned forward on his elbows again. "And even if — whatever this is, between us, doesn't work out — I still care about you, Shepard. So please. Tell me about Thane."

Yeah, that wasn't a loaded question at all. Kaidan, her ex, who hadn't _realized_ he was the ex until about five minutes ago, asking about her _other_ ex, who might not _be_ an ex if he hadn't — if he wasn't —

 _I will await you across the ocean, Siha._

What the hell was she doing? Kaidan had clearly been angling to get right back to how things had been between them before Alchera, and every instinct that Shepard had was telling her not to get too deeply involved so soon after losing Thane.

But she hadn't committed to anything with Kaidan. Everything that had happened to this point was just repairing a broken relationship. It wasn't only romantic relationships that could get broken; she and Kaidan had been friends before they had wound up together, and Kaidan had just indicated a willingness to stay friends if being romantically involved didn't work out.

And Thane would want her to be happy. She knew that beyond any shadow of doubt.

"Shepard? You still with me?"

Shepard blinked her eyes, realizing she'd been staring into the space over Kaidan's shoulder. The view of the Presidium, the greenery that sloped gently downhill beneath a clear blue sky.

"Yeah," Shepard said, smiling at Kaidan. "I'm still with you, Kaidan." She took a deep breath. "I met him on Illium, when he was chasing Nassana Dantius — you remember, that asari diplomat that was being blackmailed by her mercenary sister. Thane had been hired to kill her."

"I'm shocked that someone would want her dead," Kaidan said dryly. "She struck me as such a lovely person."

Shepard chuckled softly. "Yeah, she was a real piece of work. I didn't mourn her death." She paused. "But Thane did. He said a prayer over her body. And I just wondered what kind of assassin genuinely mourns the people he kills." She looked down at the table. "You know that I — I kind of lost my faith, after Mindoir."

She hadn't wanted to talk about Mindoir to anyone, before Kaidan. When asked, she had almost always given the barest information — just acknowledged that this was part of her history.

But when Kaidan asked, she'd told him everything, and felt good for having done it.

Kaidan nodded. She saw real interest there, the desire for her to continue. "Thane showed me that faith could be … beautiful." She lifted her head and looked at him, feeling like this next part was going to be a make-or-break moment. "He called me _Siha._ That's the name of one of the warrior-angels of the goddess Arashu."

"Sounds about right, for you," Kaidan replied, meeting her gaze. She didn't see any obvious trace of jealousy in his face, any hurt in his voice.

For the first time since the conversation began, she began to hope that they might actually figure this out.

As she talked, she eventually told him much more than she'd intended to. She had thought to skip some of the more intimate details to avoid hurting him, but when he asked for more detail — she hesitated, the first time, and he saw that, and told her that he wanted to know. She had to trust that he knew what he was doing. She did see pain on his face, sometimes, but he kept asking. Kept listening.

Eventually, she stopped talking about Thane and started asking him questions. What he'd been up to during the two years she'd been dead. What he'd done with himself after Horizon. He resisted, as she had, but she made it clear that she wanted to know (just as he had).

So Kaidan talked, and Shepard listened, and eventually she heard about the dates that he'd mentioned in his letter to her — the ones that could have gone well, if he hadn't still been holding on to her memory. She saw the depth of his feelings, and worried that he was making her into this larger-than-life figure that she could never possibly live up to. It had been okay with Thane, because there was never going to be enough time for her to disappoint him. With Kaidan — there might be time.

And when she had that thought, she realized that at some point during the conversation, she had decided to give things with Kaidan another try. Maybe it wasn't the best timing. Maybe her motivations weren't as pure as they could be. But she knew there was something real between them. She looked at him, and what she saw made her feel loved and safe.

"Kaidan?" she said, interrupting him. She had to do this before she lost her nerve. Before the conviction she felt went away.

He stopped talking and looked at her, concerned. "Yeah, Shepard?"

Shepard leaned across the table and kissed him. Gently, at first, and then she felt his hand coming to rest against the back of her neck, pulling her closer. The table dug into her abdomen. She broke the kiss, standing and moving quickly before he could get the wrong impression from her.

"Hey," she said, when she reached his side of the table, her arm sliding down across his shoulders.

"Hey," he said, pulling her the rest of the way down into his lap. She clasped her hands together and turned her face to meet his.

And for a little while, under the sunny sky of the Citadel, they weren't Commander Shepard and Major Alenko, but simply two people who had worked through the misunderstanding and lack of communication that plague many relationships.


End file.
